Day 2. The Road to Surat Thani.

Day 2 Bangkok to Surat Thani (547km)

The Journey South

Saturday 29 April started with all the verve and vigor of the 1st 100m of an idiot packed fun-run but by the time the day was out it had petered out to a dead halt like a Tuk-Tuk heading up a small gradient with 5 fat Ang Mohs sitting in the back.

Breakfast was taken early. Its pleasing to know that even with increasing sophistication amongst world travellers and the developing propensity of the Chinese to travel that the Best Western in Bangkok was still able to muster a full English for the final carb, fat, caffeine and protein loading session before the flight down to Surat Thani for the Grande Depart.

David and Darth were first there and tried to make a serious dent in the buffet but their impact was inconsequential until ETS arrived and immediately commenced an orderly dismantling of all the fare that the breakfast team had on display. ETS's training regime had been so intense in the lead up to Bangkok that his carb and fat reserves were so low that no food would be going back to the kitchen that day. The staff were grateful for the regular nicotine loading intervals, which at least enabled them to at least attempt to keep pace, but ultimately their efforts were futile.

Meanwhile the other 2 Team Cupcake members were out for a final training run around the delightful neighbourhood we were staying and tried sampling the local street-food breakfasts. Why is it that when Rick or Gordon wonder round street markets in their Asia food shows that the food looks so good but when you are there yourself, you soon realise that it is literally being served from a piss and shit smelling gutter and that it is so less appealing than on telly. After a few poorly chosen satays the boys were soon requiring quick fire (no pun intended) comfort stops, something that would become a bit of a theme for the week for poor Adam.

Adam and GG's brekkie

After the completion of breakfast the team met up and had the inaugural team beers as a group of 5 (or quintet if you wish) to officially kick start the holiday. Luxury transport was then arranged and we commenced our transfer back to the airport, which we had only left what seemed just a few small hours before.

DMK has seen better days.

Now, we have to explain, Mark is an ideas guy, a natural entertainer, the David Brent of the team, more there for moral rather than actually anything worthwhile. Sadly Adam’s failing was that he had foolishly forgotten all of this and had assumed that Mark had arranged his flight ticket for the trip for the 60 minute flight down to Surat Thani, near the Burma border (Myanmar for those new age types who work for NGO’s-you know who you are Nena).

So there we were all checked in and we realized Adam didn’t have a ticket for the flight. Adam looked at Darth, Darth looked at Mark and David and ETS instinctively looked for a bar which we would no doubt need to wait in while the issue was sorted. They soon found a 7-11 and beers were immediately procured. Thankfully the plane was not full and a ticket could be obtained, failing that Adam was in a complete hole looking down the barrel of a 10 hour train ride to Surat Thani. Adam's confidence in Mark had been shattered, and sadly not for the first or probably the last time. In fact 76% of the time, Mark will let you down. FACT. The remaining 24% of the time he generally lets himself down.

The flight was uneventful and quiet, we nervously knew we were heading off into the great mountainous, lawless wilderness that is Southern Thailand, what greeted us at the airport airstrip (where the expression Under Construction had never been more appropriately used) would soon leave us reeling in flabbergasterdness. (Is that actually a word Mark?)

There are many words to describe the phenomenon that greeted us at the Airstrip and passes by the name of “Moo”.

Warm

Brash

Loud

Short

Blinged Up

Dynamo

Sometimes Un-Intelligible

Boss.

One word. "Moo"

She was our official Tour leader and we first encountered her at the arrivals gate at the Airstrip. She ushered onto the official Paddle Asia Limo-Bus and we commenced the 30min ride into Surat Thani. During this trip she tried speaking loudly and constantly at Hayda (as he had booked the trip) and Hayda spent a lot of time nodding and smiling back barely understanding one in 10 words being uttered in his direction. 

Mark tried his best to strike up conversation, as coming from Burnley, had a better ear for unintelligible gibberish, “Where are the ladyboys he continually asked,” to be repeatedly retorted with “Ladyboys ha ha. You want Ladyboys ha ha. I get you ladyboys, ha ha.” A conversation that would be repeated more often then any other during the week ahead. 

So this crescendo of noise continued for the whole drive, only occasionally interrupted by ETS pointing out all the hills that we would no doubt have to struggle up and over during the next few days and Adam declaring whether he was getting reception on his phone or not.

The Wangtai Hotel

Proof that the Camera can and Does Lie. I'm not sure exactly which decade this photo was taken but the year most definitely began with "1".

Now Hayda has experienced Lithuania, Slovenia, Croatia and Poland and has a good knowledge of crap and ugly Soviet style architecture and the hotel we checked in to in Surat Thani was a picture perfect example of some of the best concrete architecture seen to the East of the Urals. If the Best Western in Bangkok had been three stars we were now entering the realm of the one star. Something Mark had not been exposed to since he was very young and still had his own teeth. 

Probably the only acceptable angle to view the Soviet style hotel

The ever-irrepressible Moo shouted loudly spoke Thai to the receptionists and our room keys were obtained and we quickly dispersed to freshen up in this no doubt luxurious hotel.

Sadly Not.

Now you could wax on about the deficiencies of the hotel but it would be much quicker to extol what it did actually have:

Rooms with doors

Air Con (variable)

Thai only TV reception

A sort of restaurant

What was like a gift shop that sold beer (for a while until they quickly run out).

A swimming pool full of Russians (where we could sit beside and drink aforementioned gift-shop beer).

Prior to the commencement of the final poolside carb-loading session, team kit-man, ETS ceremoniously presented team members with their official Team Cupcake Shirt, which were to be worn the following morning. A proud and historic moment, which probably deserved better than the kit being left outside the Team Member’s room doors. But heck they were all the same size anyway.

After getting out of our Guantanamo-esqe rooms we were soon heading poolside for beers and our first taste of what was to become our staple diet for the next 6 days:

Pad Thai

Rice

Chicken with stuff

Fried indiscernible pieces of pig

Singha Beer.

All the beers that the hotel had, assembled for a Group Shot

During this banquet we had two very rude awakenings:

1. We met Mr. Run ((“as in Run-DMC”) his words, not ours)) our cycling guide, kilometers guide and all-round bully-boy-cum drill-instructor with an evil laugh only previously matched by Dr Kananga in Live and Let Die).

2. The hotel staff reliably informing us that all bars in the town were closed on that Saturday night due to a Government election the next day. Mark’s katoys would have to wait.

After dinner Team Cupcake headed off with wide-eyed optimism and an instruction to the Tuk Tuk driver to “Find a pub. Any pub”. Approximately two hours and three lemonades later the team straggled back to the Hotel, dispirited at their complete inability to find any type of alcoholic beverage outlet. The wiser ones amongst us commenting that this would be a good move for the cycling tomorrow and being roundly told to “F’off” by the rest.

Team Cupcake - drinking dry the only bar open in town on a Saturday night

So at 10pm we headed back to our “rooms” and commenced watching Thai telly before drifting off into action packed dreams of the road to Phuket, which lay ahead.

Things we learnt on Day 2:

1. Never ever rely on Mark for anything.

2. Hayda was still feeling crook and making sure everyone knew about it.

3. Adam had an increasingly bizarre interest in the sourcing of Wi-Fi (something that would prove contagious as the week progressed)

4. David was fearing being stuck at the back of the peloton but should have really started taking increasing solace for (2) above

5. When ETS is hungry. He's really hungry.

More Importantly - Things we hadn’t learnt by Day 2

1. Moo was delightfully Nuts

2. Mr Run was a compulsive liar with no concept of time or distance.
3. Who won the bloody election anyway.

Friday March 28 2014 - Our One (quiet) Night in Bangkok

Day 1

Home to Bangkok 

Distance:        1,847km (Singapore) 7,524km (Sydney) 7,355Km(Melbourne) (Distances to be verified by Mr. Run - our tour guide)

The first day was by far the longest off the Tour. Five planes were chartered (or seats therein to be exact) and the team buzzed in to the delightfully quaint, in a Heathrow Terminal 1 type-way, Don Muang International Airport.

Mr. G was the first to arrive, check into Best Western and, as instructed under Team Cupcake Orders, headed straight to a pub to establish a base camp. Over the course of the next few hours Adam and ETS (as he was then known) arrived and headed to the newly formed base camp to commence the bonding session. Hayda turned up during the evening and due to an inexplicable brain-fud caused by too much man-flu medication headed straight to his room and to bed.

When EM Forster wrote "A Room with a View" he obviously wasn't stating at the Best Western in Central Bangkok.

ETS was due to be on the same flight as Hayda but had managed to end up on an earlier one. No one knows how and why this occurred, especially ETS.

Last to arrive was David who touched down at midnight. He too, headed to base camp to immediately commence bonding. Rumour has it he displayed an as previously unknown level of initiative and commenced solo-bonding at Changi and bonded all the way to the base camp and then beyond. 

During the evening numerous SMS, What’s APPs and abusive voice messages were left on Hayda’s phone but due to the convenience of Airplane mode he was able to sleep sweetly away, only woken by the occasional screaming of CNN’s Richard Guest. Note-to-self -  remember to turn telly off whilst sleeping on medication.

Road Test of the Classic Song

One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a God in every golden cloister
And if you're lucky then the God's a she
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

So the One Night in Bangkok, unlike the song, contained no oysters, or pearls or ladyboys or any combination there of. It was a non-event for Hayda and not much better for the others who due to the excitement of the impending Tour all got back to their rooms nice and early.

Bangkok apparently. Sorry. None of these places look familiar.

To follow – Day 2 "The Debacle Begins" on the Road/Flight to Surat Thani.

7 Days and Counting!!

7 Days to go before the Grande Depart and yet another drama packed week of events; very little of which had anything to with any pedals, BMI or Vo Max measurement.

Firstly, David has now fully recovered from his close encounter with the bottom of a swimming pool and his mental capacity is now back to what it was before his accident. (Good or bad?, you decide). His faculties were given the ultimate test on Thursday evening when he singlehandedly dragged his quiz team home to a memorable close victory. Those of us who drank the prize afterwards were supremely grateful and hopefully in Thailand we may get the opportunity to try our luck in an away fixture. I’m confident any slight language issue can be overcome as ETS has been there multiple times and must have picked up something of use.

Some say "Nanny State", but David's accident changed everything in Singapore

Adam has been saddened by the sad demise of his beloved Arsenal again bowing out of another trophy, something that can be repeated tonight when they come up against the highly impressive Champions League Quarter Finalists, Chelsea. “The lists of “nearlys” is becoming endless and I fully expect us to also bow out of the FA Cup to Wigan." sighed Adam, "Thankfully I will be in Thailand and I wont have to endure the cruel teasing and taunting of my friends who support the bigger, more successful clubs”.

Is there any wonder he fails to see most of the action??!

Our constant and endless source of mirth and material, Mr. G, has had a comparatively quiet week highlighted by a landmark presentation at a BrisVegas shampooers conference. A preso, which had the energy, delivery and drive of something, that could only be described as a cross between Anthony Robbins and disgraced former TV Evangelist, Jim Bakker. 

“The zeal with which this guy can spruik things so mundane as shampoo is inspirational,” said Vince “the Shamwow Guy” Offer.  “We intend to see if he’s interested in becoming the new face of The Snuggie”.

Wella's new 'poo revitalised Mark's hair but sadly the shirt was not so favourably impacted.

Hayda has this week finally acquired the description of having “no fixed address”. Something that he previously thought was reserved for those of us amongst us famed for tarmacking drives and selling lucky heather. Contrary to property industry norms, the bankruptcy of his landlord has now seen the good people of Citibank decide that the property would be of more value without a tenant and have thrown the occupants out on to the street. Hayda’s last minute training schedule has been thrown into chaos and he will hit the trail in Thailand as hot favorite for line honours into the dribble bus.

Hayda could finally wear the shirt with pride!!

As reported earlier ETS has been cruelly struck down by the most aggressive of all flus, the notorious debilitating H1-N2 strain known as "man-flu". The prognosis is not positive but he continues to live life to the full and will courageously drag himself along to watch his beloved Arse play Chelsea tonight. Our team’s very own "Brave Little Soldier" Chapeau!. His rapid recovery can only be attributed by the dedication of the talented nursing team he has at his disposal.

ETS's pyjamas were very similar to Tommy's.....

This time next week we will be in Surat Thani, oiling and greasing in anticipation of the ride ahead!!

OMG - I have just noticed that 3 of the team support Arsenal. This will mean significant competition from them for places 2-4 on the ride. Obviously they will shy away from the risk of actually winning anything.

Tragedy! Cut down in his prime.

 

URGENT TEAM UPDATE:

It is with much sadness and regret that I announce that our team leader, the "esteemed ETS" has been diagnosed with a severe case of man flu following a brief ride in the rain yesterday.

Please send donations and messages of support direct to him or to his family c/o Benson & Hedges. With luck, good nursing and our best wishes he may still pull through.

Ed wasn't feeling himself today

14 days to Bangkok - Training update

It has been a week of high drama in the training camps these last 7 days with a bizarre serious of events, the like of which neither Nostradamus, Mystic Meg or Derek Acorah could have hoped to predict.

It started last Saturday, a day that will be remembered in infamy. It began with ETS deciding that the most suitable cycling outfit for the Team would contain pictures of pink cupcakes. The plan was to have something garish but the fusion of Lycra and cupcake would, if seen in the Tour de France, get the anti-doping boys rushing off to get their test tubes. Sadly it is believed that ETS was both sober and fully compos mentis when he made the call. We await the lycra’s arrival from the US with a degree of trepidation.

I kid you not....

That same evening his Knibbs, whilst at a 3 years old birthday party decided to once again demonstrate his uncanny similarity with Tom Daly and show off some of his best diving moves. Unfortunately Tom usually turns his tricks in much deeper water than David had available and tragedy ensued. A visit to casualty, five stitches in the noggin and a diagnosis of whiplash, and he now has  a lot more in common with Gladstone Small then we ever thought possible.

Moments from disaster. (A dramatic reconstruction)

The conspiracy theorists amongst us believe this was just a stunt to provide a backstory for the acceptability of getting a wide range of bandanas added to the kitbag to “keep the sun of the stitches”.

Hayda has entered the serious home stretch of tapering the training and using a cover story of a chest infection to spend even less time on the bike. ETS will assume the role of team leader when the Tour begins now that his fitness levels are approaching those akin to a champion ironman.

This picture has nothing to do with anything.

ETS has even been keen to ride in the smog that has descended on Singapore this week. “Cycling in the Smog is just like having a ciggy permanently on the go…. its brilliant” he was heard to gasp between coughs.

"perfect conditions (cough) to simulate the effect (cough) of 20 a day, without having (cough)  to find a 7-Eleven!"

The news from the boys down South in the self proclaimed “Clever Country” (if that’s not the most irony packed expression I don’t know what is!) has been of mixed signals.

Mr. G has been taking a leaf out of Hayda’s book and is in a serious tapering phase, even his photoshopped Nike running posts have stopped appearing on FB. However his energy levels will no doubt be at max when his starts his team role as domestique for ETS in Thailand. “I will leave nothing on the road in ensuring we get ETS to the finish line” he dutifully said. This is widely believed to be complete bullshit as he is expected to use fair means and foul to ensure ETS is 1^st on to the dribble bus.

Competition for seats on the support bus is expected to be fierce.

Adam is meanwhile doing an MH370 and staying off the radar. He is reported to not to have had to go to casualty, not choosing cupcakes for anything, not sucking down lungs full of smoke and has not had a baby.  His preparation appears perfect and we expect great things from the Senior member of the team.

Bulletin Ends.