Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Day 2. The Road to Surat Thani.

Day 2 Bangkok to Surat Thani (547km)

The Journey South




Saturday 29 April started with all the verve and vigor of the 1st 100m of an idiot packed fun-run but by the time the day was out it had petered out to a dead halt like a Tuk-Tuk heading up a small gradient with 5 fat Ang Mohs sitting in the back.

Breakfast was taken early. Its pleasing to know that even with increasing sophistication amongst world travellers and the developing propensity of the Chinese to travel that the Best Western in Bangkok was still able to muster a full English for the final carb, fat, caffeine and protein loading session before the flight down to Surat Thani for the Grande Depart.

David and Darth were first there and tried to make a serious dent in the buffet but their impact was inconsequential until ETS arrived and immediately commenced an orderly dismantling of all the fare that the breakfast team had on display. ETS's training regime had been so intense in the lead up to Bangkok that his carb and fat reserves were so low that no food would be going back to the kitchen that day. The staff were grateful for the regular nicotine loading intervals, which at least enabled them to at least attempt to keep pace, but ultimately their efforts were futile.

Meanwhile the other 2 Team Cupcake members were out for a final training run around the delightful neighbourhood we were staying and tried sampling the local street-food breakfasts. Why is it that when Rick or Gordon wonder round street markets in their Asia food shows that the food looks so good but when you are there yourself, you soon realise that it is literally being served from a piss and shit smelling gutter and that it is so less appealing than on telly. After a few poorly chosen satays the boys were soon requiring quick fire (no pun intended) comfort stops, something that would become a bit of a theme for the week for poor Adam.

Adam and GG's brekkie

After the completion of breakfast the team met up and had the inaugural team beers as a group of 5 (or quintet if you wish) to officially kick start the holiday. Luxury transport was then arranged and we commenced our transfer back to the airport, which we had only left what seemed just a few small hours before.

DMK has seen better days.


Now, we have to explain, Mark is an ideas guy, a natural entertainer, the David Brent of the team, more there for moral rather than actually anything worthwhile. Sadly Adam’s failing was that he had foolishly forgotten all of this and had assumed that Mark had arranged his flight ticket for the trip for the 60 minute flight down to Surat Thani, near the Burma border (Myanmar for those new age types who work for NGO’s-you know who you are Nena).

So there we were all checked in and we realized Adam didn’t have a ticket for the flight. Adam looked at Darth, Darth looked at Mark and David and ETS instinctively looked for a bar which we would no doubt need to wait in while the issue was sorted. They soon found a 7-11 and beers were immediately procured. Thankfully the plane was not full and a ticket could be obtained, failing that Adam was in a complete hole looking down the barrel of a 10 hour train ride to Surat Thani. Adam's confidence in Mark had been shattered, and sadly not for the first or probably the last time. In fact 76% of the time, Mark will let you down. FACT. The remaining 24% of the time he generally lets himself down.

The flight was uneventful and quiet, we nervously knew we were heading off into the great mountainous, lawless wilderness that is Southern Thailand, what greeted us at the airport airstrip (where the expression Under Construction had never been more appropriately used) would soon leave us reeling in flabbergasterdness. (Is that actually a word Mark?)

There are many words to describe the phenomenon that greeted us at the Airstrip and passes by the name of “Moo”.

Warm
Brash
Loud
Short
Blinged Up
Dynamo
Sometimes Un-Intelligible
Boss.

One word. "Moo"


She was our official Tour leader and we first encountered her at the arrivals gate at the Airstrip. She ushered onto the official Paddle Asia Limo-Bus and we commenced the 30min ride into Surat Thani. During this trip she tried speaking loudly and constantly at Hayda (as he had booked the trip) and Hayda spent a lot of time nodding and smiling back barely understanding one in 10 words being uttered in his direction. 

Mark tried his best to strike up conversation, as coming from Burnley, had a better ear for unintelligible gibberish, “Where are the ladyboys he continually asked,” to be repeatedly retorted with “Ladyboys ha ha. You want Ladyboys ha ha. I get you ladyboys, ha ha.” A conversation that would be repeated more often then any other during the week ahead. 

So this crescendo of noise continued for the whole drive, only occasionally interrupted by ETS pointing out all the hills that we would no doubt have to struggle up and over during the next few days and Adam declaring whether he was getting reception on his phone or not.

The Wangtai Hotel

Proof that the Camera can and Does Lie. I'm not sure exactly which decade this photo was taken but the year most definitely began with "1".

Now Hayda has experienced Lithuania, Slovenia, Croatia and Poland and has a good knowledge of crap and ugly Soviet style architecture and the hotel we checked in to in Surat Thani was a picture perfect example of some of the best concrete architecture seen to the East of the Urals. If the Best Western in Bangkok had been three stars we were now entering the realm of the one star. Something Mark had not been exposed to since he was very young and still had his own teeth. 

Probably the only acceptable angle to view the Soviet style hotel


The ever-irrepressible Moo shouted loudly spoke Thai to the receptionists and our room keys were obtained and we quickly dispersed to freshen up in this no doubt luxurious hotel.

Sadly Not.

Now you could wax on about the deficiencies of the hotel but it would be much quicker to extol what it did actually have:

Rooms with doors
Air Con (variable)
Thai only TV reception
A sort of restaurant
What was like a gift shop that sold beer (for a while until they quickly run out).
A swimming pool full of Russians (where we could sit beside and drink aforementioned gift-shop beer).

Prior to the commencement of the final poolside carb-loading session, team kit-man, ETS ceremoniously presented team members with their official Team Cupcake Shirt, which were to be worn the following morning. A proud and historic moment, which probably deserved better than the kit being left outside the Team Member’s room doors. But heck they were all the same size anyway.

After getting out of our Guantanamo-esqe rooms we were soon heading poolside for beers and our first taste of what was to become our staple diet for the next 6 days:

Pad Thai
Rice
Chicken with stuff
Fried indiscernible pieces of pig
Singha Beer.

All the beers that the hotel had, assembled for a Group Shot


During this banquet we had two very rude awakenings:

1. We met Mr. Run ((“as in Run-DMC”) his words, not ours)) our cycling guide, kilometers guide and all-round bully-boy-cum drill-instructor with an evil laugh only previously matched by Dr Kananga in Live and Let Die).
2. The hotel staff reliably informing us that all bars in the town were closed on that Saturday night due to a Government election the next day. Mark’s katoys would have to wait.

After dinner Team Cupcake headed off with wide-eyed optimism and an instruction to the Tuk Tuk driver to “Find a pub. Any pub”. Approximately two hours and three lemonades later the team straggled back to the Hotel, dispirited at their complete inability to find any type of alcoholic beverage outlet. The wiser ones amongst us commenting that this would be a good move for the cycling tomorrow and being roundly told to “F’off” by the rest.

Team Cupcake - drinking dry the only bar open in town on a Saturday night

So at 10pm we headed back to our “rooms” and commenced watching Thai telly before drifting off into action packed dreams of the road to Phuket, which lay ahead.

Things we learnt on Day 2:

1. Never ever rely on Mark for anything.
2. Hayda was still feeling crook and making sure everyone knew about it.
3. Adam had an increasingly bizarre interest in the sourcing of Wi-Fi (something that would prove contagious as the week progressed)
4. David was fearing being stuck at the back of the peloton but should have really started taking increasing solace for (2) above
5. When ETS is hungry. He's really hungry.


More Importantly - Things we hadn’t learnt by Day 2

1. Moo was delightfully Nuts
2. Mr Run was a compulsive liar with no concept of time or distance.
3. Who won the bloody election anyway.





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