7 Days and Counting!!

7 Days to go before the Grande Depart and yet another drama packed week of events; very little of which had anything to with any pedals, BMI or Vo Max measurement.

Firstly, David has now fully recovered from his close encounter with the bottom of a swimming pool and his mental capacity is now back to what it was before his accident. (Good or bad?, you decide). His faculties were given the ultimate test on Thursday evening when he singlehandedly dragged his quiz team home to a memorable close victory. Those of us who drank the prize afterwards were supremely grateful and hopefully in Thailand we may get the opportunity to try our luck in an away fixture. I’m confident any slight language issue can be overcome as ETS has been there multiple times and must have picked up something of use.

Some say "Nanny State", but David's accident changed everything in Singapore

Adam has been saddened by the sad demise of his beloved Arsenal again bowing out of another trophy, something that can be repeated tonight when they come up against the highly impressive Champions League Quarter Finalists, Chelsea. “The lists of “nearlys” is becoming endless and I fully expect us to also bow out of the FA Cup to Wigan." sighed Adam, "Thankfully I will be in Thailand and I wont have to endure the cruel teasing and taunting of my friends who support the bigger, more successful clubs”.

Is there any wonder he fails to see most of the action??!

Our constant and endless source of mirth and material, Mr. G, has had a comparatively quiet week highlighted by a landmark presentation at a BrisVegas shampooers conference. A preso, which had the energy, delivery and drive of something, that could only be described as a cross between Anthony Robbins and disgraced former TV Evangelist, Jim Bakker. 

“The zeal with which this guy can spruik things so mundane as shampoo is inspirational,” said Vince “the Shamwow Guy” Offer.  “We intend to see if he’s interested in becoming the new face of The Snuggie”.

Wella's new 'poo revitalised Mark's hair but sadly the shirt was not so favourably impacted.

Hayda has this week finally acquired the description of having “no fixed address”. Something that he previously thought was reserved for those of us amongst us famed for tarmacking drives and selling lucky heather. Contrary to property industry norms, the bankruptcy of his landlord has now seen the good people of Citibank decide that the property would be of more value without a tenant and have thrown the occupants out on to the street. Hayda’s last minute training schedule has been thrown into chaos and he will hit the trail in Thailand as hot favorite for line honours into the dribble bus.

Hayda could finally wear the shirt with pride!!

As reported earlier ETS has been cruelly struck down by the most aggressive of all flus, the notorious debilitating H1-N2 strain known as "man-flu". The prognosis is not positive but he continues to live life to the full and will courageously drag himself along to watch his beloved Arse play Chelsea tonight. Our team’s very own "Brave Little Soldier" Chapeau!. His rapid recovery can only be attributed by the dedication of the talented nursing team he has at his disposal.

ETS's pyjamas were very similar to Tommy's.....

This time next week we will be in Surat Thani, oiling and greasing in anticipation of the ride ahead!!

OMG - I have just noticed that 3 of the team support Arsenal. This will mean significant competition from them for places 2-4 on the ride. Obviously they will shy away from the risk of actually winning anything.

Tragedy! Cut down in his prime.

 

URGENT TEAM UPDATE:

It is with much sadness and regret that I announce that our team leader, the "esteemed ETS" has been diagnosed with a severe case of man flu following a brief ride in the rain yesterday.

Please send donations and messages of support direct to him or to his family c/o Benson & Hedges. With luck, good nursing and our best wishes he may still pull through.

Ed wasn't feeling himself today

14 days to Bangkok - Training update

It has been a week of high drama in the training camps these last 7 days with a bizarre serious of events, the like of which neither Nostradamus, Mystic Meg or Derek Acorah could have hoped to predict.

It started last Saturday, a day that will be remembered in infamy. It began with ETS deciding that the most suitable cycling outfit for the Team would contain pictures of pink cupcakes. The plan was to have something garish but the fusion of Lycra and cupcake would, if seen in the Tour de France, get the anti-doping boys rushing off to get their test tubes. Sadly it is believed that ETS was both sober and fully compos mentis when he made the call. We await the lycra’s arrival from the US with a degree of trepidation.

I kid you not....

That same evening his Knibbs, whilst at a 3 years old birthday party decided to once again demonstrate his uncanny similarity with Tom Daly and show off some of his best diving moves. Unfortunately Tom usually turns his tricks in much deeper water than David had available and tragedy ensued. A visit to casualty, five stitches in the noggin and a diagnosis of whiplash, and he now has  a lot more in common with Gladstone Small then we ever thought possible.

Moments from disaster. (A dramatic reconstruction)

The conspiracy theorists amongst us believe this was just a stunt to provide a backstory for the acceptability of getting a wide range of bandanas added to the kitbag to “keep the sun of the stitches”.

Hayda has entered the serious home stretch of tapering the training and using a cover story of a chest infection to spend even less time on the bike. ETS will assume the role of team leader when the Tour begins now that his fitness levels are approaching those akin to a champion ironman.

This picture has nothing to do with anything.

ETS has even been keen to ride in the smog that has descended on Singapore this week. “Cycling in the Smog is just like having a ciggy permanently on the go…. its brilliant” he was heard to gasp between coughs.

"perfect conditions (cough) to simulate the effect (cough) of 20 a day, without having (cough)  to find a 7-Eleven!"

The news from the boys down South in the self proclaimed “Clever Country” (if that’s not the most irony packed expression I don’t know what is!) has been of mixed signals.

Mr. G has been taking a leaf out of Hayda’s book and is in a serious tapering phase, even his photoshopped Nike running posts have stopped appearing on FB. However his energy levels will no doubt be at max when his starts his team role as domestique for ETS in Thailand. “I will leave nothing on the road in ensuring we get ETS to the finish line” he dutifully said. This is widely believed to be complete bullshit as he is expected to use fair means and foul to ensure ETS is 1^st on to the dribble bus.

Competition for seats on the support bus is expected to be fierce.

Adam is meanwhile doing an MH370 and staying off the radar. He is reported to not to have had to go to casualty, not choosing cupcakes for anything, not sucking down lungs full of smoke and has not had a baby.  His preparation appears perfect and we expect great things from the Senior member of the team.

Bulletin Ends.

Mr G. The inside track.

Twenty days to go. ETS and his Knibbs have both been pounding the bitumen on their way to Changi Beach (a flat 50km return trip) , Mr G has been out drinking with the baby, Adam is resting from a hard nights scootering and Hayda is still feeling crook. (Hence the boredom and the back-to-back blog posts).

Cycle Team Profile

For those of you who don't know Mr G very well here are some interesting facts about the the man who likes to call himself "the machine".

• His name is an anagram of “I am rank danger!”

• Being a senior hair-care professional Mark claims to not just know Toni & Guy but also Siegfried & Roy and Robson & Jerome. All of whom have benefited from product sold by Mark over the years.

"It was Mr G who said. "Get a tiger". We owe him everything." 

•  His favorite all-time P&G product is “Wash-and-go”. The legend Vidal said it himself "Why take two bottles into the shower?"

• Favorite piece of advice. “Always keep your receipts”.

It’s now T-minus-21. Three weeks of hard training to go and then Los Cinco amigos will head off to battle the snake infested jungles of Southern Thailand armed only with their cunning, Mark’s aftershave and some fetching hot-pink lycra.

The following training updates have been received from the respective camps:

ETS

The only thing higher than his BMI is his motivation. Rarely a day goes by without Ed being in the saddle; the kilometres’ have been chewed up, the legs waxed and the body suit purchased. Never has he been so ready for an endurance event.

ETS's training was showing surprising results

Mr G

Went jogging. Had baby. (Not both at same time).

Though not available in pink Mr G's body suit fitting had been a success.

Adam

Went scootering (this is not a Mardi Gras phrase so not point looking it up on “urbandictionary.com”). Seems to involve grown-men, tools and little Italian bikes. (Actually please do check “urbandictionary.com” may have stumbled on something here).

Scootering can get you ripped!

Dave

Has been using ETS as his lead out man on sprints lasting the whole day’s ride. “Riding in ETS’s wind has been a revelation” said David between gasps on the oxygen mask.

Riding in ETS's wind required extra cycling kit.

Hayda

Has been tapering the training down since mid-July to arrive in Pattaya Surat Thani in fighting fit condition and well refreshed from the easing off of training. He can be seen “easing-off“ most weekday evenings in and around Boat Quay. ETS has been notably absent due to his daily body fold measurement sessions.

Tough ride. Feel the force? Can't even feel my arse?

So the hotels have been booked, laundry arrangements made, bandanas purchased and the excitement will unerringly grow towards the Grande depart at the end of March.

In the words of the late great Big Kev “I’m excited!!.